Day 14234, & this one's just for fun...

So, I will probably get another post or 2 in before I leave for L.A., but this was just too funny not to share...

We have been getting a crazy number of scam attempts at the restaurant lately, as has everyone else. Relay calls (for the deaf) are a particular favorite, but emails are still popular too. I have no idea who actually falls for these things, but I assume there is a success rate, however small.

I received this the other day, twice:

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KELLY ANDERSON to jscott, nashville show details Oct 30 (3 days ago)

AM KELLY ANDERSON BY THE NAME I HAVE A BIRTHDAY COMING UP ON THE 13TH OF NOVEMBER 2010 AND I HAVE SOME INLAWS COMING,SO I WILL NEED SOME(CRAB CAKE) FOR ABOUT 150 GUESTS THAT ARE COMING SO CAN I GET THE PRICE PER PERSON AND THE TOTAL PRICE FOR THE PEOPLE TO FEED INDIVIDUAL BOXES VATEBOXES NOW SO I CAN GIVE YOU THE CARD TO CHARGE THROUGH SO CAN YOU MAKE IT FOR ME ON THE THAT DATE AROUND 2PM THE ORDER WILL BE PICK UP BY MY PRIVATE SHIPPER SO I WILL LIKE YOU TO GET BACK TO ME ONCE YOU RECEIVE MY MAIL OKAY AND I ALSO WANT YOU TO GET BACK TO ME WITH YOUR FAX NUMBER AND YOUR DIRECT NUMBER AND I ALSO WANT YOU TO GET BACK TO ME WITH YOUR MENU IF YOU DO NOT HAVE CRAB CAKE SO THAT I CAN GIVE GIVE YOU MY CHOICE AND IF YOU HAVE CRAB CAKE YOU CAN GET BACK TO ME WITH THE TOTAL COST SO THAT I CAN GIVE YOU MY CREDIT CARD TO CHARGE FOR EVERYTHING OKAY BYE FOR NOW STAY BLESS.
BEST REGARD
KELLY ANDERSON

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Not only did I receive this email twice at 2 different addresses, but there were 2 other restaurants copied into the address bar on each one.

I replied...

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Dear Ms Anderson,

First, let me commend you on your mastery of the English language. Obviously, this achievement would explain your use of all capital letters, as you are so excited to thrill us with your prose. Kudos.

Second, might I suggest that you do not copy more than one restaurant into the address bar at a time. It really makes your request seem less than valid. After all, with three restaurants copied here, it would imply that you needed crab cakes for 450 guests. That's a really big party! You must be very popular. I would assume that you are combining your birthday celebration with some sort of book release, as I have already commented on the fact that you are a gifted writer. I wish I was that talented and popular.

The cost of your crab cakes, from me anyway, will be $8,750,000.95. Unfortunately, I will not be able to accept your credit card information over the internet. This is for your own safety. We wouldn't want some foreign scam artist to intercept your personal information and use it fraudulently, would we? I will be happy to accept a certified bank check. We still have a few weeks for your birthday, so feel free to drop that in the mail at your convenience.

Given your loyalty to our businesses, I would also like to send you a birthday gift. Feel free to give me a hint about the special something that you have had your eye on for awhile. In this poor economy, I know that you have probably just been sitting on all your free cash, like the rest of us. Let me help you brighten your day. Just send me your home address and I will get that present right to you. If you can't think of anything, I am sure I can think of quite a few special things that you deserve.

Thanks again! Look forward to hearing from you!

Chris

p.s. FUCK OFF!

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So, there you have it. It is always important to hold onto your sense of humor...

Day 13793, & I just have this...

So, I have no time, but this is so funny to me...

And, there are more. All genius...

Day 13717, & welcome to my nightmare...

So, a few months back, Jay went to cook on one of those midday shows.

He hates doing TV but I require it of him once every 5 years or so. I would be happy to do it myself but it is the age of the chef.

Anyway, the following morning there was a message on the voicemail at work.

Wanna hear it?



You can imagine our surprise. Quite a strong opinion against ball caps. And, let me just say, it isn't like she was a Cubs fan and Jay was wearing a Yankees hat. It was a restaurant hat, official issue.

Anyway, I returned her call and left a very polite and professional message on her answering machine. I simply explained that she obviously didn't understand what kind of restaurant we were and that if she really took issue with our choice of hat wear, she might want to dine elsewhere.

Apparently, Jay was not satisfied by my approach. He called her back later that day. She answered. It seems that, in case you were unaware, that Jay is a "god damned punk" and Ms Koch is "quite the lady" and also likes to talk to her parole officer with that mouth, so thinks Jay, anyway...

My point? I had forgotten how armed and ready people are to criticize a new business. There are chips on all shoulders. The patio is too sunny. The butter is too rich. The French winelist doesn't have Kendall Jackson on it. My favorite? I DO NOT park in parking garages.

The result of these criticisms? I am worn down. I am tired. And, I am fed up. Time to shift my focus. Time to do what I know. Time to move forward and ignore these dipshits.

Time to make lemonade out of these lemonheads.

Listen up:

To give credit where it is due, one of our genius linecooks downloaded the message off the phone and did the remix himself. Our IT guy converted it to a video file so I could post it. I know my techno-limitations...

I miss everyone. And get ready, Dodge City 2009 is less than 1 month away.

Day 13400A, & my friend DG...

So, to the average Joe, he is probably crazy...

To me, he is indeed a bit crazy, but also

HYSTERICAL!!!

I nearly vomited at his most recent, and again, for different reasons previously.

Read up, bitches...

Cause reading is fundamental...